P is for Perseverance
I am currently blogging, along with my dad, all the way through the alphabet. Check out how the idea started and get the rules here.
It’s a topic many of us were forced to write compare and contrast essays on when we were in elementary school and were practicing for the MEAP. It always said we could “write about something that you had to persevere through”. At the time I could never think of something I had persevered through, so my essay was always about made up characters. Now if my teacher would assign me an essay on something I had to persevere through, I could write them fifty pages (double spaced, of course).
It’s interesting for me to think of how much I’ve persevered through this year. It’s been quite the year. I survived my freshman year of high school. I survived two drama club plays, countless choir and orchestra concerts, having my heart broken and getting over it, falling into and pulling out of a depression, and two years of band camp and marching band. A month from this Wednesday marks a year since I first got incredibly sick (and I finally got a diagnosis last Monday, hooray!) Through all of those things I had to fight to keep myself above water and not let myself drown in negativity. I had to persevere.
And this is another thing that I’m planning on persevering through, though I’ve already not been able to write something every day. I lost motivation a while ago, and I feel like I have nothing important left to say. I want to give up this entire “A-Z Blogging” thing very badly, however I refuse to. I refuse to because I don’t want to disappoint people. But mostly, I don’t want to disappoint myself. This thing that I’m doing is hard. It’s not easy, it’s not fun. It’s frustrating, it’s obnoxious, it’s stressful, it’s challenging, it’s something I do that I do not look forward to at all. When I started, I had so much motivation to keep going. I’d get 8-12 comments on every single post, up to 75 people reading every day. Around “E” stats started dropping and I stopped receiving comments. I no longer had that push from other people to keep going, to persevere. I kept going because I didn’t want to let my dad down. Now I’m on P and I very much want to be done with it all and just mark it off as something I tried. “Oh well, neat experience Kyra, but it just didn’t work out.”
But I’m so far into this experience that I can’t get out of it anymore. I probably could have quit around “E” if I really felt the desire to. Now here I am wanting to quit and I can’t, because I know how disappointed in myself I will be. I don’t care anymore that other people would be upset. I’m not doing this for other people. I am doing this for me. It’s one thing I’m finally doing for myself. And I’m going all the way. And when I get to the end and write my final post, I’m not expecting to feel like I just won a marathon, I’m not expecting to feel like I just accomplished something amazing or great. I just hope that when I post my last A-Z post, I’ll hear that small voice in the back of my head whisper “Good job Kyra.”